Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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