I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Randomize
