I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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