I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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