first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
