I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
