Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
