i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
