dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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