The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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