I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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