Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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