come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize