how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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