My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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