ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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