Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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