my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
