If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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