I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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