so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize