i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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