Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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