I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
