new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
