Your face is a jimmy john
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
