His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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