it was like his penis was on wheels.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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