people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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