I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
