I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
