plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
