I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
