He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize