Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
