who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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