I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
