Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
