she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize