theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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