You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Floor bacon is actually really good
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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