grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
