we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
