I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
