I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize