I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
two words: eviction party
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
