I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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