using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
