Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't deserve a penis
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Drunk is not a location!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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