I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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