Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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