if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
