i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
