Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
