I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I didn't notice because vodka
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
