I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
