i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
