dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
