he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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