I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
