Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
