upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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