i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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