just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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