so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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